It’s 2.30am and I cannot sleep … one of those restless nights where the thoughts just haunt you, making the night seem longer than it really is. I have to wake up for work tomorrow when everyone else is enjoying just the perfect Sunday with his/her loved ones. But that doesn’t really matter, does it? when during your job you get to see the loveliest smiles of happy kids, and you know you just made their day! I don’t know if you know but my job is not so common; I work in the only Science Centre in Malta called Esplora, where I get to perform science shows and do workshops with school kids and the public on a daily basis. I am always on show and sometimes it’s tiring having to smile and entertain people when it was even hard getting out of bed. Isn’t it funny how we can entertain others but just cannot entertain ourselves?
But I am not here to write about my job or whine about my sleepless night … I was dwelling on whether to share this post or not but here I am sharing something extremely personal with the hope that it can make a difference to someone; even if it is just one person! Here it goes …
I used to believe that we’re destined to a particular kind of future; something that is already written and planned for us to be that way … but if that’s the case, then destiny must hate some us! I can’t remember how many times I’ve asked the question “why me?” “Why is this happening to me right here, right now? I don’t deserve this!” We’ve all been through this same kind of frustration I’m sure! Asking such a question really doesn’t get you to solve anything, but only to pity yourself and despair, growing to hate your life even more. Also, people don’t care about your shit. I’ve learned that your problems can be overwhelming to others so sometimes you just have to accept, be quite, and deal with it later …
I have been experiencing this bitter anger against the world, and I have thought about what has triggered this boiling point inside – an accumulation of feelings that sometimes is beyond my control. Finally, I think I have the answer which is not so complicated. Basically it’s marginalisation, betrayals, lost friendships, and other hardships I faced at various points in my life that caused me to build a kind of hostility towards the world and people around. Injustice gets me crazy; I just cannot accept it so when I see injustice happening to me or others around me, I just have to do something! All these things made me feel unmotivated at various stages of my life, as I was growing up facing new challenges.
Sometimes I felt on the verge of depression … It’s hard to admit depression and some people choose to ignore it. Depression is not just intense sadness; it’s the dreadful feeling of apathy, no energy to lift yourself up from bed and carry your normal duties, wanting to stay in the dark and seeing no one at all, the heaviness on your shoulders and tight knots in your stomach, breathlessness, the feeling of drowning with no hope of survival , a struggle every time … when you manage to take a step forward, another wave of sadness comes by to push you down again. Close people who know you and realize you’re more quiet than usual, you’re not quite there with them, might ask you: “what’s the matter?” And you just don’t know what’s the matter with you; you don’t know why you are so sad. Then the people around you might tell you: “you don’t need to feel this way – you’re beautiful, you’re loved, you’re successful in your studies/career, you’re healthy, you have everything!” And that’s when you realize how people don’t understand and cannot see within. They’re too shallow, just seeing the surface, what appears on the outside …
There is no logical reason for feeling depressed; you can be a millionaire, you can be famous, you can be the most beautiful girl – it can happen to anyone! I suffered from low self-esteem which didn’t help me to see my worth back then. I tried too hard to please others and feel accepted, moving out of my way to accommodate others. Now I don’t bother with disguises; if someone has to like me, s/he has to like me as I am, and I am as open and transparent as possible. It could backfire but I like it better this way.
With all this, I want to make one thing clear …
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH PASSING FROM A ROUGH PATCH AND HAVING DEPRESSION – LIKE WE TAKE CARE OF OUR PHYSICAL APPEARANCE AND PHYSICAL HEALTH, OUR MENTAL HEALTH SHOULD BE GIVEN EQUAL ATTENTION. JUST DON’T BE SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT! DON’T IGNORE IT! AND PEOPLE OUT THERE, IF SOMEONE OPENS UP TO YOU, STOP AND LISTEN – YOU CAN DO A DIFFERENCE!
I am ending this post with some lyrics that inspired me and are just perfectly adequate:
“You should know you’re beautiful just the way you are, and you don’t have to change a thing, the world can change its heart …”
Alessia Cara – Scars to your Beautiful
Listen to it … Scars to your Beautiful audio
I really hope this can be helpful to someone and inspiring to my readers out there. Note that I am ready to listen to you 😉 But now I am going to try and get some sleep because it’s almost 4am :0