I saw you blink and I looked again. Yes, you blinked and my heart flickered and that was it. Both feet removed from the pedals… hands free from the steering wheel. It was then that I lost all sense of fighting… of controlling what I have no control over! I was captivated by our memories. I replayed that night in my head over and over like my favourite song, until it got stuck there and I couldn’t get rid of it. Yes, that night when I was on your lap, holding hands, looking at the tiny stars, and dreaming a big future for us.
So many promises you made that night… you whispered in my ear, your words hanging there filling the air with hope… sending shivers down my spine. Knowing I shouldn’t trust you but wanting to so badly… still doing so! I went against my instinct just because your tender touch, your glistening eyes, and your perfect mouth made me believe so much. How can such a handsome fellow be a devil inside? How was I supposed to know?
There I was… giving up… letting the car take its course liberally. I closed my eyes to block your face, and to avoid looking straight in the face of my death. Bang! What did the car hit? The pavement? The other car in front? Or was it maybe the wall? Bang! I almost loved the sound. I almost loved how my head moved back and forth, and my shoulders plopped as the car swiveled around. I started laughing… big bursts of laughter as your face suddenly vanished from my sight. But it was too late… too late to save me from the abyss of the dark.
Suddenly the car came to a stop as it tumbled over, crumpled bits and pieces in an attempt to slow down the impact… smashed glass. I am still laughing, but now helpless, intimidating laughter comes our from my twisted mouth. A trickle of blood; is it? My trembling fingers made for my forehead to feel the first cold drops of blood. Blood from my nose making its way bitterly to my mouth; the same taste I have been having for years as I lived dragging through my life.
I hear the blur of a distant voice but I cannot make the words. I focus hard, but my head hurts, my eyes are heavy, and my mouth so dry. It was a man’s voice… That I got. Is it you my love? Oh surely not… you weren’t present before, how could it be you found me now? I can feel the mixture of hope and anger making its way up…
“Can you hear me miss? I called an ambulance and they’re on their way. You’re injured. Can you hear me miss?” I couldn’t articulate the words… but what if I don’t want to be saved this time?